A Totally Boring FanFic you Shouldn't Read
by Da Games Elite
Summary: Really, I'm sure nothing of value or interest happens here...
1. Chapter 1

Really, you can probably just click that back button. I'm sure nothing interesting will happen.

**A****TOTALLY****BORING**-fuck, what was that title again? Ah well, I don't give a shit anyway…

**BY DA GAMES ELITE and DARKANGELX110**

**CHAPTER 1**

"Oh, Edward! Last night was a little…kinky."

Edward chuckled as he wiped the blood off of his face with a werewolf skin rag towel. The night before had indeed been kinky. It was probably a good thing that his daughter was able to age so quickly, or else she'd never have known how to operate the video recorder to tape their Paris Hilton-esque porn tape. It was her duty as a woman to do that, after all. Because, in Forks, that's all women could do. Just produce children and film porn tapes. It wasn't like they had rights or anything. Nah, that'd just be silly.

And so after filming the porn tape of Paris Hilton off the television (what? You think there'd be a sex scene in a fan-fiction?), Rene-fuck it, I'm calling her Nessie-decided to ask what the tape was of. "Well, Rene-Renny-Rena-Bella, what's the point of naming our daughter something we can't even pronounce?"

Bella would've replied, but she was asleep. Apparently she read that vampires do that during the daytime, so she decided she should at least pretend to act like a vampire now that she had become one. She was sleeping in a black lace coffin she had exhumed out of the dirt. She had disposed of the body in the garage, making sure to sort the meat into separate bags to recycle later that day. After all, just because she was a vampire didn't mean she didn't need to be eco-friendly.

Anyway, the point of all that gibberish was that she was asleep.

…too much information? Never!

"Daddy? I had a question-"

"Right, right, get it over with. You need to make me a sandwich so I can watch Bella while she's sleeping. It's better than the Jersey Shore."

"Vampires eat sandwiches?"

"The question?"

"Right, well, what are they doing?"

"Well, Nessie, when a man and a woman love each other-wait, I thought your mind progressed past this stage already."

"I'm only two years old, ya know. Just because I'm articulate enough to hold a conversation doesn't mean I'm mature enough to grasp the concept of sexual intercourse…or have the muscle strength to control bladder movements."

"…that would explain the brown stains on the carpet."

And then Jacob hopped through the window. After all, it would've been tricky to just break into the house like Edward did. He was shirtless, as always, but was still wearing dark combat boots, black leather pants, black nail polish, and a black bowtie.

Did we mention he had turned goffick?

Because, if we did, that would be a lie. He just lost a bet.

"Hi guys!"

"…daddy, why is my future slave here?"

"Don't mind him, Recoughcoughcough," Edward said, scaling himself up against his romantic rival. Why was it he always came here? Was it because he thought he could woo Bella with his good looks, charming personality, and strange aversion to shirts? Was it because of those gorgeous abs and those beautiful eyes and that sweet ass of his?

"Hey there, Eddy," Jacob said, drawing closer, his hot breath burning against Edward's forehead, so intense that it actually began to mist against his crystal-like skin, "Is my future mother-in-law here?"

"You mean your former girlfriend?"

"What's the difference?"

Edward nodded, understanding the logic behind those words. "She's just asleep. Want to watch?"

Jacob stared at Edward with a look of sheer horror, his eyebrows twisted in fear as he slowly backed away, stumbling through the glass of the window. His throat was slashed, his face skewered against the pipes below, and his testicles-well, let's not mention that.

On the positive side, his abs got out okay.

Edward walked over to Bella, only to find Jacob standing there. "Didn't you die?"

"Haven't you ever heard of the Revolving Death Door?"

"…what?"

Jacob cleared his throat as he made himself look as academic and clever as possible considering he lacked any clothing. "Elementary, my dead Edston. In this world, there is a concept of life and death being separated by a revolving door. If you look outside, you'd still find my dead body rotting there, collecting worms."

"I would?"

"No, not really. You'd just find a dancing unicorn."

"Oh, okay." Edward nodded in agreement before freezing in place. He dashed toward the window with his daughter as he watched a white pony burst out of Jacob's body, covered in its own bile and flesh, his organs draped over his horn and mane like a twisted fur coat of dead baby sea otters.

On the positive side, his abs got out okay.

"Ew! That's just disgusting!" the unicorn cried, having a panic attack as the dirty organs drooled on her skin.

"Daddy, did the unicorn just develop OCD?" Nessie asked.

"Ren, did you just overlook the fact that there's a unicorn out there?" Edward asked, confused.

"You realize I'm still two, right?" Nessie queried.

"…remind me to return that car I bought for you last week," Edward murmured as the unicorn, who from here on out shall be named Purity, sprinted off and washed out the blood in a puddle of mud. Then Purity realized she was washing in a puddle of mud, cried, and then, with her cries, ripped a hole in space and time.

…unicorns can do that.

A great rainbow crack ran through the air, bisecting the sky and universe apart right down the middle as multicolored beams of light explosively sprinkled out of the vortex. Edward stared transfixed at the hole that progressively started to resemble what could only be described in terms of a pseudo-sexual nature, and, despite this fan-fic having no qualms about exposing your virgin minds to odd imagery, the authors are too lazy to go into any detail about what this thing looks like.

"Daddy, why does that look like where I came from?" Nessie asked.

"Don't look at it!" Edward snapped, shielding his daughter's eyes.

"But she already looked at porn, so why-" Jacob began, only for Edward to pull a gun out of Jacob's pants, and spew its contents against his chest until the werewolf was dead, a bloody smear on the ground.

On the positive side, his abs got out okay.

"How did you know he had a gun?" Nessie asked.

Staring at the gun, Edward shrugged. "I didn't."

"What?"

From Jacob's splintered corpse emerged two unicorns, one blue and one pink, blood erupting from the corpse. They were laughing in high pitched voices, cheering Satanic verses with a maniacal laugh on their tongues. That wasn't what pissed Edward off, however.

The abs hadn't gotten out okay.

Edward aimed the gun at the two unicorns, and fired, only to find the bullets bounce off, and hit his daughter in the head. Since death was a revolving door in this universe, he didn't worry himself about his daughter's death or anything. She'd be back before he knew it, anyway. However, the fact those damn unicorns coming out of the werewolf's body was disturbing him, driving him mad with fear and horror at their indestructible nature. What sort of eldritch abominations were these creatures? What sort of citizens from the inferno spewed these creatures from their inner regions?

"Charlie! We have to find the banana king!"

"The banana king knows ALL! Charlie!"

"Who the fuck is Charlie?"

"Charlie! You're our new Charlie, Charlie!"

"The last one ran out of kidneys, Charlie!"

"Your kidneys are the only thing that can fuel the Candy Mountain Death Ray, Charlie!"

"The death ray is the only thing that can stop the Banana King's blue penis, Charlie!"

"Why won't you die?" Edward snapped, finding that, despite firing far more bullets than what could be contained in the gun's magazine, bullets still spewed out of the barrel, deflecting off the hysterical, demonic spawns of unicorn Hell.

And then a bullet bounced and hit him in the fore


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

head.

Wait, what happened?

"Out of the way. I don't have time to waste here!" Edward was pushed aside by a rather agitated man followed by dozens of himself, each of them clearly disgruntled as they vanished off into the gray foggy distance swirling around the large revolving door that ran from the infinitely distant floor below to the infinitely distant sky above.

Also, Edward was floating in space.

"Don't mind Rory. He just managed to find a way to travel to a fixed point again, and he's just gonna loop that fixed point until he gets things right," said a rather sexy woman wearing black clothing, her face framed with dark curly hair. Edward could spend dozens of paragraphs describing the fishnets she was wearing, the way it clung to her curvy, delicious legs, but that fan-fic would be a waste of paper that no one would read.

"Uh, that's fine. Where am I?"

"Oh, I'm Death," the gothic girl said, smiling cheerfully, "I like to dissect kittens."

"What?"

"You died before, so you can just travel along home now."

"Wait, where am I anyway?"

"You're in the Revolving Death Door. Better go quickly before another unicorn enters your body."

"Which way do I need to go?"

Death pointed arbitrarily in one direction, at which Edward swam toward that direction. Just before reaching the smoke, Death reconsidered her decision, and actually shouted back, warning him not to go that way, and pointed toward another passageway.

However, Edward failed to hear, and found himself tumbling through space and time, through the realms of reality, before landing in a field in front of buildings in New York. Edward frantically glanced around, confused by the environment around him. Things didn't seem right. There was something amiss, something strange about the whole thing. He glanced around, realizing that the gun he pulled from Jacob's pants was still in his hand. For some reason, it began to melt, growing floppy like a limp noodle. He casually tossed it aside before glancing through the trees, breathing heavily, nervously, as he looked for something to distinguish this area from Forks.

Like a brain cell.

Upon walking into the city streets, he found people cowering in the streets, much to Edward's confusion. Everyone seemed terrified to step outside, despite there being nothing outside. Edward, mildly confused though not worried due to the fact that he couldn't die forever anyway, walked forward, glancing to and fro between all the people. Surely there was something amiss, something dangerous, something-

The building above him exploded outward, glass and concrete spewing into the air, as a tiny man dressed in tights with webs was projected against the opposite wall, head slamming into the glass behind him. A hulking black monster leapt after him, a white spider-emblem wrapped around his chest and abs. Despite being potentially completely naked, this monster's genitals were concealed under its ebony exoskin.

Edward felt incredibly turned on by the two men beating the shit out of each other against the glass.

"Get out of the way!" the man dressed in the red tights snapped, "Eddie, I need to make a deal with the Devil! Or else my old aunt is gonna die!"

The monstrous man grabbed the smaller man by the skull, who for simplicity will be referenced to as Venom and Spider-Man respectfully, before bashing the latter's cranium against the infrastructure of the building. "Your aunt has a terminal disease! She'll be fine in a few days, unlike our job, or our ex-wife, or Spider-Man 3!"

For the record, Edward felt that was the best of the three Spider-Man films, especially that sexy dance scene.

Venom threw Spider-Man against the street below, the blacktop spewing outward as a crater formed under Spider-Man's battle damaged form. Edward was projected against the nearest building, glass shattering underneath him, pain enveloping him. He was now in pain. It was time he serviced his fellow man, despite his body glittering in the sunlight.

Venom landed heavily at Spider-Man's broken side. He stomped down on Spider-Man's chest, crushing his ribs underfoot. "Make no mistake: we're saving you from the wrath of an evil man who rules like a God in this world!"

Edward grabbed a nearby plank of solid steel, a sharpened stake that would've normally been used to kill a vampire, before sprinting at Venom, plunging the spear into his shoulder. He howled in pain as his black suit began to sprout dozens of tendrils, writhing up the metal, wrapping itself around Edward before heaving him into the air. Venom glanced at the vampire, and, with a snarl on its fanged, permanently misshapen face, snarled, "Your brains smell like sugary diabetes. It's bad for our health!"

The stake plunged through Edward's chest, impaling him. He gagged on his own blood for a moment, a scream on his lips as the air burned out of his lungs. Of course. He was going to die a second time in an hour. At least he'd see that Death girl's hot boobs again-

The tendrils began to unravel from Venom's body, and slither inside of Edward's chest. "What?" Venom snarled, "My symbiote needs to reproduce?"

"Wait, what?"

"It wants to enter your hole!"

The tendrils began to writhe underneath Edward's gaping hole in his chest, wrapping itself over his skin, reaching around to his butt cheeks, and-

"I DO NOT WANT! DO! NOT! WANT!"

"No, my symbiote has chosen to mingle with you. I promise it only hurts the first time, but afterwards the pleasure is unbelievable!" Venom snarled. For a moment, Spider-Man struggled to stand, but the alien monster stomped down so hard on Spider-Man's chest he was rendered unconscious, still on the ground.

At that moment, a man wearing a green outfit with a scorpion-like tail sprinted toward them, lashing its tail at the metal spike connecting Venom to Edward. The connection shattered, and, as Scorpion reached out for the symbiote wrapping itself around Edward, Venom grabbed the man by the skull, a grin on his lips.

"Oh, what? Do you want that?" Edward watched as the Scorpion's skull was torn open, and the monster dove headlong into the creature's brains, scooping large chunks of brain into its mouth with its long, fearsome tongue and crooked teeth. Edward would've taken time to cringe at how that Scorpion tail seemed to emerge from his rear, which meant that the now limp appendage was either the largest penis he had ever seen or the most violently massive hemorrhoid in humanity, but he had his own issues to deal with.

Edward collapsed against the ground. This power he felt, coursing through his veins. He had been powerful before, but now! Oh, now he was beyond belief! His power was incredible. With this, he could do anything he wanted! As his body was swallowed up in black symbiote, he laughed out, his fangs increasing in size to a maddening degree.

"Oh, this is beautiful!"

"Actually, it's frustrating." Edward turned to see a black man approach them, a long blade in his hand, his leather jacket dancing in the wind. "This is my job, you guys, and now you've made it harder to kill my victim."

"What?" Venom asked, glancing off-handedly at Edward, "You want him? Go ahead."

Edward laughed, his eyes covered over by shapeless white splotches that looked awesome in the nineties (he'd have to update his image for the sophisticated new generation, though). He sprinted toward the scary black man, sure his powers would be able to maul him to-

The man slashed once across his chest, bisecting his body in two.

Edward's upper half collapsed against the street, pathetically, as Blade shook his head at him. "I'm not sure you're even worth killing. It's like kicking a quadriplegic puppy."

"So that means you're going to let me go?"

Blade tossed a grenade over his shoulder at Edward as he walked off. "No."

Explosion.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Back again?" Death asked as Edward was pushed out of the Revolving Death Door by Rory again, finding himself landing face-first in the goth girl's cleavage. It was odd, since never before had he found himself face-first in a woman's bosom before. Bella was a little too flat-chested for him to experience this marshmallow heaven-no, wait, this was Hell. He couldn't breathe.

Wait, he wasn't alive yet. Why would he need oxygen?

"Go that way, huh?" Edward asked, gesturing toward the same point Death had arbitrarily chosen prior.

"Yeah, sorry. I lied."

"Do you just want to see me die or something?"

"Do you really think I'd want an excuse to see you at all?"

"Good point. So which way do I need to go now?"

Death considered this, placing a finger on her chin before pointing in a certain direction. "Better go quickly before the vortex swallows up your universe."

"Oh, okay…wait, what?"

Death kicked Edward in the right direction, and he found himself soaring toward that specific point in the distance, swirling through space and time, until he landed face first in the ground. Upon landing on the ground, he realized that the bad-ass symbiote body had dissolved into smoke, leaving him a shiny pathetic figure as before. He punched the ground in frustration as he turned toward his house.

Or at least he would've had his house existed any longer.

"Charlie! You're back!"

Those two again.

Edward turned toward the pink and blue unicorns, standing in front of the vaginal vortex in the air. There were a bunch of weird statues of angels lining the pathway to the devastated house, but he ignored that for now. He approached the unicorns, his fists tight and his eyes narrowed.

"Don't blink Charlie! We're in the field of Weeping Angels, Charlie!"

"The Weeping Angels will capture you and throw you back in time like they did with your wife, Charlie!"

"What the-" Edward blinked, and, upon opening his eyes, found himself inches away from a stone angel that hadn't been there moments before, his hands outstretched. He leapt backward, only to realize that he was surrounded on all sides by stone angels glaring at him, their hands outstretched, ready to grapple and fondle him.

"The Weeping Angels know all, Charlie! They'll send you to another time and dimension!"

"Wait, what was that about the Weeping Angels getting Bella?"

"Nothing of value has been lost yet, Charlie!"

"Charlie, you must jump into the vortex to stop the bANANa kINg!"

"Why don't we just kill the angels?"

"You can't! They're indestructible!"

Edward punched through the nearest angel, shattering it upon contact. Everyone was still, glancing down at the shattered wreckage. The two unicorns glanced at it two, then turned back toward Edward.

"…The Weeping Angels cannot be destroyed, Charlie!"

"Really? Because they look fairly breakable."

"But Charlie, the SUPREME OVERLORD cannot allow them to die!"

"Who?"

"The SUPREME GODDESS over us all, Charlie!"

"She created all of us from the deepest corners of her mind, Charlie!"

"Really? Then when did she create me?"

"You were an OC in her fan-fiction, Charlie!"

"Really?"

"She was twelve, but you turned out stupider than the OC, Charlie!"

"What does that mean?"

"DON'T BLINK!"

Edward blinked.

The moment he reopened his eyes, he was standing in what appeared to be the woods. There was nothing here but wood. He glanced around, nervously, clenching his fists as he searched for the vortex. He had just traveled through time, no doubt, or through dimensions. This was not Forks, though it was extremely bland without distinct detail. It was quiet. Too-

Why was there an orange mass behind that bush?

"Who's there?" Edward snapped, rounding on the bush, only for a mass to leap forward, slamming its fist into Edward's face. He tasted blood as he was propelled through a tree, his entire body trembling in shock.

"HEY! YOU JUST GOT OWNED, BELIEVE IT!"

Edward rose to his feet, glaring at the orange haired ninja wearing an orange jumpsuit. He knew he was a ninja just by looking at his stealthy attire. After all, orange was the stealthiest, most awesome of all colors. Clearly this man was of equal intelligence to Edward, his match.

"Who're you?" Edward asked, frowning as he geared himself up for combat.

"You don't stand a chance against me, believe it!" the ninja snapped, "We're here to take you down."

"Who're you?"

"My name's Naruto, and I'm gonna be the next Hokage, BELIEVE IT!" Naruto threw random punches at Edward, each blow landing against his chest and face, resulting in massive bruises that left his body battered and broken after a few seconds. "That's for crushing Sasuke, you bastard!"

"What?"

"You completely bashed up his abs, and for that I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! BELIEVE IT!"

As Naruto launched himself toward Edward, a kunai knife in his fist, Edward grabbed the blade in his hand, hoping his crystal skin would somehow not break against the sharp edge. However, much to his chagrin, he failed to do this. Blood ran down his wrist as Edward snarled, "Why do you keep saying that?"

"What? You're crazy, believe it!"

"Do you have ninja turrets or something?"

"Oh, you better believe it, you've crossed the line right there!" Naruto kicked Edward away, a great sphere of energy forming in his hand as he launched himself toward Edward, his eyes narrowed. Edward attempted to escape, but found Naruto in front of him no matter which way he turned, that sphere of energy inches away from his face.

Collision.

Edward's clothing burned away, leaving his bare abs exposed for the world to see. Naruto watched his broken body bleed on the floor, his eyes widened. "Wow, I've never seen such sexy abs before."

"Thanks, I work out," Edward replied between pained grunts.

"Shame I'll have to break those sexy abs, believe-"

"WORLD SHAKING!"

A sphere of orange energy collided into Naruto, projecting him through the woods, uprooting every tree in its path as the sphere threw Naruto into the nearest mountain. There was a loud crack, and, as the dust settled, the mountain range the sphere collided into was no more, a mere smoldering crater.

Standing still was a rather muscular girl, lowering her gloved fingers, her short, jaw length sandy blonde hair twisted in the air as she glared at her victim, wearing what resembled a sailor suit. "That's for embarrassing all anime everywhere."

"…who are you?"

Edward stared at the woman as he turned toward him, glaring in fury. "And you. You're the one who embarrassed vampires."

Edward glanced at the woman as she slammed her fists into his chest, splattering through his ribs, his organs a puddy against her knuckles. Was he just destined to die again, destined to be mauled to death by a woman wearing a miniskirt? He would not allow this!

He grabbed hold of her wrists, struggling to keep her still. She grinned, her cheeks peppered with blood, amused by the resistance, before hastily withdrawing a sword from her hip. With a sharp swing, his arms were disconnected from his shoulders, leaving him bleeding, armless, on the ground.

"Nice try."

She raised a foot over Edward's head, and stomped down.


End file.
